I am now in the stage of parenting where I am learning all about the tooth fairy. To be honest, she seems like a Pinterest “everyday is magical” wench. Yup I just said that. My 5-year-old has his first loose tooth and things went from “maybe the Tooth Fairy will bring me a quarter” to “what is the Tooth Fairy getting me for my first tooth? A trampoline?” WTF. Since when are teeth that big of a deal? My son asked me what I got for my first tooth to which I replied, “Well, it was 1987, so probably nothing. Maybe a quarter, but most likely it was a nickel.” Like seriously.
Remember the 80’s and how our parents were WAY less into parenting? It was awesome. But I’m a mom in 2017, and all of a sudden I have to have elaborate celebrations for everything and now I find out that “the first tooth” is actually something I have to celebrate. Come the hell on, you guys. Which one of you upped the anty on making a big deal out of EVERYTHING?? First I had to have 24 days of Christmas delight with that stupid elf, and now I have to invite the Queen for supper because my kid lost a tooth.
Look, to each their own. I make heart shaped pancakes on Valentine’s Day and make a big deal on someone’s birthday, but I am drawing the line here on the Tooth Fairy in the same fashion that I declared that god awful Elf on the Shelf is dead to me. ENOUGH. I will put the normal monetary amount under my child’s pillow (provided I remember) and that will be that. I will even agree with inflation and up the amount to a dollar or two. But, the charade that goes along with it? Yeah, I’m not gonna do that. You know what else I’m not gonna do? This list of things I found by doing a quick Internet search with the words “what do people do for the Tooth Fairy?” by moms who I will clearly never be friends with.
This list included the following:
1) Head out to the pottery store and mold and paint a special plate to hold your child’s tooth. Unless this involves a super erotic “Ghost” like scene ala Patrick Swayze, I’ll file this one under “what the hell is this?”
2) Give your children out of print dollar bills and make them into fairy dusted glitter money. The “out of print” part was where I was confused. Does this involve me robbing a bank or a mint? Oh, and what parent rejoices at the thought of having glitter spread all over your child’s bedroom and then subsequently the REST OF YOUR HOUSE? Glitter is the work of the devil.
3) Think of something different and special to do FOR EACH TOOTH. Well that is just complete garbage. I am having a hard-enough time just even caring a little bit about the first one.
4) Make a mini door with mini stairs in case your child questions the actual size of the fairy. Please make it stop. I am not crafting miniature furniture like it’s for the set of The Friendly Giant. Guess what? Think up a clever response in the moment when your child asks questions about the Tooth Fairy. We are giving these children way too much credit to think they actually give a shit. I swear they all know it sounds fishy and just go along with it to get the free stuff.
5) Make your money into origami hearts. So, am I the only one who a) does not know how to make an origami heart and b) is giving out quarters like a normal person? Since when does a kid get $5 a tooth? C’mon I don’t make Bruce Wayne money.
6) Make your own “tooth pillow” as a fun DIY project. You just need to make a tooth out of some old cushions and sew on some fun fabric with pockets and your child’s name and social security number and viola! A super fun keepsake! Or if you aren’t really crafty, there are hundreds of people who will make you one on Etsy for $50 plus shipping. Add on another $50 if you need overnight shipping because of course you will. I’m not sure if this person who made this suggestion realizes that teeth are only loose for a few days sometimes before they come out. Or perhaps the parent googling such ideas already has the tooth in their possession and skipped Home Ec class 15 years ago, and could never make such a godforsaken craft in such a ridiculous time frame (or ever).
7) Give out dental hygiene items and thank your child for keeping their teeth clean by brushing and flossing. Okay I actually really like this idea, but if I used it my child would know for sure the Tooth Fairy isn’t real. As he reminded me, we don’t even have any floss in our house, let alone a parent who enforces its use. I also rarely check the brushing of the teeth in the first place and I know that there are times when he just eats the toothpaste. If I was to reward him for something he doesn’t do by the “see all, know all, Tooth Fairy”, well even 5-year old’s can see through that. I mean I want him to believe…. I’m not a total killjoy.
So, in the end I printed out a Tooth Fairy receipt from a mom site with free printables (took a total of 5 seconds to do so I was all over that) and put a shiny golden Loonie under my child’s pillow. He was excited and then asked if he could have Lucky Charms for breakfast. I promptly said no and motioned towards the sad dish of oatmeal on the table. I swear we are both happier doing “our normal” and not ever going on Pinterest to look for ideas to make our own little world more special. It already is.