Brush Your Teeth With Soap and Other Things to Try in 2017

Anyone else feeling like they wish 2017 would just get better already?  I know I’m not alone here.  This year is pretty much the worst.  Not only am I currently developing an ulcer worrying about everything that is wrong with this province/country/world, but I also am dealing with the fact that I hate every item of clothing in my closet.  The struggle is real.  To add insult to injury, I had someone ask me if I was pregnant today and now I will have to burn the one sweater I do like, as it will forever taunt me that I look pregnant wearing it.  So, since eating my feelings is obviously not the answer, I decided to think of a few ideas that might help get me through the rest of the year.  Obviously, this will be in addition to alcohol and online shopping.

1)  Apply to be on a reality TV show.  Now I realize my options are limited for obvious reasons.  I’m not a crazy fame whore, so the Bachelor is out (well that and already being married is probably frowned upon).  No one has offered to be my partner for the Amazing Race, plus I would hate every challenge that involves heights, driving, dancing, or eating gross food, so that’s pretty much the whole show.  I have an aversion to sweltering hot temperatures, bugs, and not showering, so Survivor would be a nightmare.  That leaves Big Brother.  Even though I would be labelled as “the token old mom” I think I would win everyone over with my wit and complete lack of personal boundaries.  Plus, with my memory I’d kill at those mental challenges.  But trust me when I tell you that I would make all of you be a part of my fan club and wear t-shirts with my face on them.

2)  Wear actual jeans.  I don’t know how it happened actually.  Wait…no, I do.  Maternity pants.  That’s where it started.  Those comfortable, buttonless pants.  Once I got a taste of the good life, it became an addiction.  Then they came out with pajama jeans and my life became complete.  I haven’t worn actual blue jeans in like 6 years.  I go from stretchy pajama jeans to black dress pants to yoga pants.  Someone get a pair of Mom Jeans immediately.

3)  Brush my teeth with Dove soap.  Yes, you read that right.  I spend my days with people who have nothing better to do than think up clever life hacks and this one is actually pretty legit.  I’ve tried it (no judging) and it works.  Your teeth will be shinier and I swear my mouth has never felt fresher.  Well, obviously because I am literally washing my mouth out with soap.  I shave a little off the bar of soap and mix it with toothpaste.  It has to be Dove soap though…something about the Ph balance…Google it.  When the idea was first presented to me I dismissed it like I do most things.  However, after personal testimonies from several people who tried it, I felt it would be negligent to not look into it.  According to various internet posts from people who have no credentials whatsoever, it seemed like perhaps 4 out of 5 fake dentists can’t be wrong.  However, I only tried it once and clearly, I need to work this into my daily “make myself presentable” circus.

4)  Get a tattoo.  I said it last year when I wanted to get one and never did.  I want it to be subtle, have meaning, and look cool.  Is it too late to consider a lower back tattoo or has that fad died out?  The only thing I know for sure is a face tattoo makes it really hard for people to take you seriously, or hire you, so that’s out, but I am open to suggestions.

5)  Start a home business.  I have a billionaire’s sense of entitlement, so naturally my meager salary is not enough for me to live the life I was destined for.  I have been thinking about several options, but I really want to commit to see it through.  Here are my options.

a) Write a book. However, the price to self publish is a bit beyond me, plus would anyone buy it (I mean aside from my mom)?  Maybe a Kickstarter campaign would work if I even knew how to do that.

b) Set up a deal pushing products on Instagram like all the rejected Bachelorettes. “Don’t you just love my new Fossil watch?  I look so pretty wearing it, and you could too!” or “My hair has never been shinier thanks to Sugar Bear Hair.  Use code ‘carmenb’ to get 15% off!”  I mean I could do that.

c) Turn things I love into a job. I love writing, watching TV, making passive aggressive responses to things on Facebook, selling things on Varage Sale, and not being woken up when I’m asleep.  I am really hoping that I can meld all these worlds together and create the perfect business.  Here’s hoping!

2017 can’t be the year where everything turned to shit. Let’s raise the bar, one Dove soap at a time.