What Every Toddler Needs to Know

It seems to me that all toddlers are exactly the same. I didn’t come up with the phrase “Terrible Two’s”, but whoever did probably also had a shitty 2-year-old (or 3 or 4-year-old for that matter). I understand WHY the toddler years are so challenging (so thanks for that every child rearing book every written), but I like to think that somewhere a delightful 2-year-old created a “manifesto”. A handbook of sorts to pass onto his/her little buddies at the playground. I do believe it would go something like this:

1)Have a tantrum in every store that you enter. This will ensure that she buys you the good cookies and will bring snacks everywhere you go just to keep you quiet. Winning.

2)Wake up at an ungodly hour every morning.  Mornings are the best time to cry for milk and get placed in front of the television.

3)Refuse all articles of clothing except pajamas.

4)Fall in love with every character from every Disney Junior show and have a collection of stuffies that MUST accompany you EVERYWHERE.  Obviously you need to have a posse and don’t let your mommy convince you that she is it.

5)Spend most meals only eating from everyone else’s plates.

6)Sometimes you need to keep things interesting. A good way to do this is by telling your mommy that you LOVE carrots. She will be delighted. The next day, when she makes every meal with carrots as the focal point, tell her you now hate carrots and throw them on the floor.

7)Take as many markers as you can find and make a nice mural for your mommy where she can always look at it.  On the wall, in the kitchen, next to her favourite place, the sink full of dishes.

8)Napping in the car for 12 minutes is as good as sleeping 2 hours in your bed. If your mommy tells you otherwise she is LYING TO YOU.

9)Beg for food during all hours that aren’t meal times, and then don’t eat it. Unless it’s Bear Paws. Always eat Bear Paws.

10)Try running a race against your mommy down the middle of the street to see who gets tired first.  Spoiler alert:  It will never be you.

11)Blurt out random words and have your mommy try and figure out what you want.  Like a fun game of charades, but mostly with stomping feet and yelling no.

12)Forget how to walk down the stairs and beg to be carried everywhere.

13)Stop going pee pee on the potty and just start going wherever you feel like it.  Seems easier.

14)When strangers or “friends of mommy” start talking to you in the grocery store and ask you your name or how old you are, DO NOT ANSWER.  It’s a trap.  Try picking your nose instead or throw some groceries out of the cart.

15)Imagine what your life would be like to be within an arm’s reach of your mommy at all times. #AMAZING. Next, think up a plan to make sure this happens. You have to do this yourself. I don’t know what your journey is all about. You’ll know it’s working when she says things like, “It’s just easier if I take him with me” or “I might as well just let her sleep in the bed with us.” Her weakness=your satisfaction. You’re welcome.

16) Make your mommy super crazy all day and then place your chubby arms around her, tell her she’s pretty, and that you love her.  Then make her sing the entire library of Raffi songs to you while she cradles you in her arms.  Bliss

Follow these simple tips for a wonderful life, friends. Now that sand in your sandbox isn’t going to eat itself.  Have a great day.