I love my husband. He is a great father to our kids and he really is my best friend. However, when it comes to our kids we have very different roles. While my husband is attentive and loving and fun, there is a whole other side to parenting that he really has no part in. I have 1000 different things to do in a day and as the last few years have gone by I have come to the realization that my life is so different when it comes to our kids because I am the parent in charge. The enforcer. The planner. The organizer. The cleaner. The communicator. The shit picker upper (literally and figuratively). Yes, I do it all and I know every single detail about my boys and how our house runs. Here are some of the reasons why.
1)I sent my hubby for groceries. Actually just 8 things. He called me twice from the store.
2)He has no idea what sizes of clothes/shoes our kids wear. He also doesn’t know what is in the bag he takes with our kids when he drops them off at daycare. (spare clothes, hats, sunscreen, stuffies, the emergency soother)
3)The man cold. Do I even have to go here? Whenever he is under the weather, he always whines “take care of me.” This includes the making of whatever will make him feel better and being at his beckon call whilst still doing everything I normally do. When I am sick I get sent to the basement in some sort of quarantine and he may throw down some crackers every now and again. When it comes to our kids being sick, apparently he “doesn’t do puke.” I have come to find out that he also doesn’t do diarrhea, poop explosions, boogers in noses, pretty much anything gross that can come out of a child.
4)He asked me how old our neighbour who babysits our kids is. I said “Grade 8”, to which he replied, “That means nothing to me. So she’s like 8?” Yes, an 8-year-old takes care of our kids until midnight when we actually go out. He has also never booked the babysitter himself and he always has to ask me what her name is.
5)He has no idea what to feed them. If I don’t specifically tell him what to make he will just give our kids chicken fingers and fries. Every. Single. Time.
6)When I have “mommy time” it is in the evening after my kids are in bed. My husband golfs. Yes, that’s right…a 5-hour hobby that occurs in the middle of the day. Awesome.
7)He doesn’t understand the importance of “night diapers” and changing our 2-year-old just before bed or else he will wake up prematurely soaked in urine. I am also the only one who apparently knows where we keep the spare sheets.
8)Speaking of bedding, my hubby often tells me that before we met he never washed his sheets weekly like I do. In fact, he never did it at all because he didn’t think he needed to. GROSS.
9)Counting to 3 really works. Please follow my lead and just do it already.
10)He didn’t know a) the name of our son’s preschool b) where the school is located c) his teacher’s name d) what days he attends and e) basic every day communication.
11)I am a teacher. This is a fact. Because of this my husband told me that when it comes to our kids’ education/school choice/homework/extra curricular activities/high school/university/lifelong learning, that he would “just leave me in charge of that”. Hmmm that seems fair.
12)He didn’t know that when you go to another child’s birthday party that it is customary to bring that child a gift. I am pretty sure that this is a societal norm, but okay. He then asked if we needed to send money with our son to pay for the party, you know like 20 bucks? I also don’t need to point out (but totally will) that I was the one who rsvp’d to the party, went to the store, bought the child a gift, wrapped it, and had my child make a delightful handmade card to go with it.
13)Valentines, birthday party invites, teacher presents, daycare incidentals…I’m sure you know where I am going with this…don’t worry I got it.
14)Now I did grow up with a brother so I am quite familiar with the “poop excuse”. Although growing up I thought my brother was some masterful genius as he always got out of dishes to “have a session” as he called it (disgusting I know). I came to realize it wasn’t just my brother, but all men use that excuse. My husband uses this excuse more than the average man I am sure. Bath time, bed time, dinner time, really any time I could use an extra pair of hands, he is beckoned to the bathroom. Always. I have come to notice he never has to go during naptime, happy hour, evening hours, when I suggest a run for ice cream. Moms never use that excuse because moms don’t poop I guess.
15)I schedule EVERYTHING. I literally make all the plans, figure all the necessary shit out, and put it all into his phone which will set off alarms when he is to do certain things or be somewhere. Sometimes I’ll put little things in there like “buy your wife a surprise today” (a gift certificate for the spa and some mini eggs). I mean I obviously have to be specific.
16)I pack all our shit when we go somewhere and all he has to do is pack it in the car, which is a cake walk compared to the laundry, snacks, stuffies, sippy cups, etc. that I have to organize and put in their respective bags to be placed nice and neatly next to the door. It must be nice to not have to worry about whether Elmo made the trip or not because your awesome wife is on the case. The one time I didn’t put my bag by the door my husband didn’t put it in the car and I didn’t have any clothes for 2 days.
17)When I have down time I am meal planning, cleaning, doing laundry, you know that endless list of 1000 things. When my husband has down time he is watching sports and picking players in his golf pool. Did you know that golf practically runs all year? So. Many. Tournaments.
18)It’s offensive to ask me if “the tomato truck is in town”. If I’m bitchy it’s because I am organizing all of our kids toys in their proper bins; a job you don’t even know exists.
19)Like my father, my husband finds out what our kids are getting for Christmas on Christmas morning. He is equally as surprised as my children.
20)To me the most important part of doing the dishes is the wiping of the table and countertops. This is always the part my husband leaves out because “doing the dishes” is just that. Just remember that things you believe should be implied, are not. They need to be forcibly directed with charts, graphs, overheads, slideshows, power points, and a series of sticky notes. Also, whenever I do the dishes (which is many times a day) I don’t announce it the household. “I just did the dishes” and then waiting for praise enrages me. Especially when there is food littered under the table.
**Note: I read this to my husband and while he admits that many of these things are completely true, he wants you all to know that pre marriage and kids he used to golf A LOT. Now he just golfs A LITTLE. The good news is I get to hear about how much he used to golf A LOT. Oh and it’s all in good fun. He has to live with me after all. Don’t worry the next post will be self deprecating humour all about myself. I also agreed that when it comes to the house he is the one in charge, but with the kids there is nothing I don’t know about them. I told him to challenge me on this and all he could come up with was if I knew how to clean the boy parts. Good grief.