1) How to make my kids do the ugly cry by asking them to put on pants.
2) Cooking meals for people who want whatever we ran out of yesterday.
3) Losing and gaining the same 20 pounds.
4) Watching HGTV, which now qualifies me as a realtor, home improvement expert, and structural engineer. Don’t even get me started on talking about open floor plans and granite countertops.
5) The entire menu at Boston Pizza (kid’s menu and fishbowl combinations included). I even have a great idea for a kid’s appetizer platter, which would include ½ piece of pizza, 1 bite of grilled cheese, 1 chicken finger with the breading already taken off and discarded on the floor to be eaten later, 19 hotdogs, and 1 bite of every adult entrée.
6) How to look for minuscule Lego pieces that have disappeared (naturally) and life cannot possibly go on without them.
7) How to make mountains out of molehills.
8) Playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with a 4-year-old that cheats, and a 2-year-old that eats the pieces.
9) Sudoko. The original brain workout from Japan is the only friend I have at work.
10) The entire contents of Superstore, where to find every single item, and the absolute best and worst times to go there based on fresh produce and my intolerance for people who block the aisle debating over different kinds of mustard.
11) How to clean diarrhea out of a bathtub and safely clean all bath toys (by putting them directly in the garbage).
12) How to sell ANYTHING on Varage Sale. I mean someone drove to my house to buy a lint roller.
13) BEDMAS. I teach math, so I swear I go over this daily. I am considering getting it as a tattoo.
14) Naming my children’s stuffed animals. Both my kids sleep with like 30 stuffies and obviously, it is my job to name them because I have to do EVERYTHING. Some are easy because they come with names (Elmo, Cookie Monster, Pooh Bear), but then those generic ones which I’ve named Ted (a teddy bear), Lamby (a lamb), Blue Guy (a blue bear), Froggie (a duck…just jokes he’s a frog), you get the idea. This is otherwise known as not giving a shit.
15) The proper way to take the dishes from the sink (which shouldn’t have been there to begin with, but whatevs) and load them in the dishwasher and then explain to my husband about how this is a job literally EVERYONE can do despite age, gender, or general laziness.