How to Decide on Baby #3

I have two kids. Both boys. They drive me insane. I long for a girl. I really want someone to go shopping with, go to musicals, have coffee dates and tea parties, you know girly shit. I realize I’ll make my boys do these things whether they want to or not, but I know it won’t be the same. I know that a girl would still call her mom after the age of 18, where my boys will probably forget I ever existed. Boys just don’t call their moms the way that girls do. Boys don’t tell their moms that they are their “best friend” when they are adults. My husband always comments on those contestants on reality shows who cry uncontrollably when they get to see a loved one after being on an island for like 20 days. He is always like, “I can go 3 months without talking to my mom, let alone seeing her. I don’t understand how they are so emotional over seeing their mom.” Case in point. A girl would miss her mom if she was stuck on an island filming a television show I’ll tell you that much.

Even though I hated every single moment of both pregnancies, had two C-sections (which totally suck by the way), had two very unhappy colicky newborns, who just so happened to be boys, it actually wasn’t a simple decision to decide on whether or not to have a 3rd baby. I mean I do love my boys and would certainly be happy to have another member added to our family (#blessed). And let’s be honest, I would relish the thought of having a girl. So for anyone who may be grappling with this decision here’s my “How To” list on deciding whether you should “pull the goalie” and go for it. (For the record, I hate that expression, but my husband used it so much the last few years it has become a part of my vernacular. My apologies.)

1) Age: When you have a pregnancy after the age of 35 they call it a geriatric pregnancy. GERIATRIC. Like as in old people. This factor alone makes me not want to. I mean I don’t have liver spots for goodness sake. I don’t order off the senior’s menu or spend my afternoons playing backgammon (although that would be pretty sweet). I certainly don’t feel like listening to my doctor use the word geriatric for the next 9 months. I’ll pass.

2) Pregnancy: I’ve said it already, but I literally hated every second/minute/hour of both pregnancies. That “glow” people talk about? Never had it. I was also the size of a large house with both boys and would often lie about my due date. People love to ask you when you are due and if you are carrying twins when you are pregnant and large, which is super awesome. It would be December and someone would ask if I was preparing for a “Christmas baby” and I’d be all like “Yeah might come the same night as Santa…hahaha”. Nope I was due in March. The last three months of my pregnancies I would routinely tell people that I was due “any day now”. Unless you are one of those people who you can’t even tell they are pregnant until the last month and then they look like a stunning Thyme Maternity model, you shouldn’t comment on how someone looks during pregnancy. The way that I was feeling when I was pregnant I would have seriously punched someone in the face if one more person asked me if “I was sure there was just one in there”.

3) The Birth: For some women birth is a magical experience. The birth of my 1st son was nothing short of traumatic. 12 hours of labour followed by an emergency C-section to cap off being awake for 48 hours. The. Worst. The recovery from that was enough to make me never want to go near my husband again let alone have another one. With my 2nd son it was a scheduled C-section, which is a cake walk in comparison, but still major surgery and still not a very fun recovery. The highlight of the birth of my 2nd son was more that it felt like a vacation where I didn’t have to cook or clean for a few days and get a break from my very active 2 year old. I also knew what to expect this time. The first time around my husband was so worried about his “sleeping arrangements” at the hospital that I just about killed him. The second time I told him it was about me and the baby and I don’t care if he doesn’t sleep for days because he is to be at my beckon call and change all of those meconium diapers. Thinking back those two days at the hospital were blissful. The actual birth part though, not so much. The doctor asked me three different times (while popping his head out of that curtain they put up) if I wanted to “close up the shop” since the hood was already up. Ugh is there not a better way to ask that or not at all?

4) Newborns: My experience with newborns has not been pleasant. My boys were horrendous newborns. My older son cried morning, noon, and night and was full of gas (he takes after his dad). Add in the fact that I had literally no idea what I was doing and it was nothing short of a disaster. A disaster that lasted 4 months. At this point I’m sure you are surprised that I even had a 2nd. I am too. I guess I’d rather just have another baby and stop all the questions of “When are you having another”? It seems like people like to ask that question like minutes after giving birth. Seriously? My next son was actually a worse newborn than my first. He threw up constantly and was a terrible eater (and believe me the jokes my husband always made that he was bulimic got old real fast). These memories are seared into my brain. Those months with my newborns were the most draining months of my life. The thought of doing that again….well I’d rather sell fruit at intersections. I know they grow out of it, but combine a pregnancy and newborn period and that is OVER A YEAR… and then there are all those years that come after that. As someone who is currently going through “the terrible two’s” for the third year in a row I’m not really sure that things are all that much better now.

5) Cost: In 2016 it’s expensive to have kids. Between daycare, school, sports, food, etc. I don’t think we could afford a 3rd. For real. Maybe I’m super selfish, but being able to go to Vegas for a long weekend or go on an all-inclusive vacation to get away from the children I do have, seems like a better use of my finances.

6) The Man Surgery: Well anyone whose husband has had a vasectomy knows that dealing with your husband after the fact is literally like going through having another baby. The moaning, crying, “take care of me” wailing, etc. is a tad ridiculous. Because you know what happened after my C-sections? I was handed a newborn that needs 24 hour care, not a weekend lying in bed watching sports. I was so annoyed with my husband by the end of the weekend I swear I could have given him the vasectomy myself.

7) Purging of the Baby Items: I kind of knew that perhaps I was done having kids when the minute my 2nd child outgrew something I had it on Varage Sale (virtual garage sale for those that don’t know about my addiction). Oh that shirt is too small? Sell it. Haven’t played with that toy in 3 days? Sold. I could not get rid of that shit fast enough. I swear there is nothing more rewarding than getting that oversized jumperoo out of the centre of my living room. Good riddance.

8) The 3rd Born: Now we need to state one very important fact here. I am a third born. Can you even imagine if my mom decided she was happy with her boy and girl? (yes she had one of both and decided to keep going). I know. Inconceivable. I think about that often. What if I don’t let the world in on what could be the dream child that so many 3rd children turn out to be? Then I realized that my 1st born is exactly like me and I’m not sure I want to roll the dice and have yet another Mini Me. I may be awesome, but I am also a lot to handle as my son proves to me on a daily basis. He may look like his dad, but that personality of his? All me and we both know it.

9) All Boys: One day I came back from the grocery store to find my husband and 2 boys sitting in their underwear (and diaper) watching golf on TV. That right there is all you need to know about why the thought of 4 males in my house terrifies me. Well that and realizing that my bathroom will always smell of urine.

10) House Full of Love: This reason right here is actually why this was even a decision in the first place. So far there are so many reasons not to, but this one right here would make it worth it. Girl, boy, whatever, it wouldn’t matter as long as we had another child to love. Shit. Sorry I am getting all soft and mushy mom here. I will resume my normal, sarcastic, cold hearted self. My apologies.

Ultimately after very little deliberation, my husband and I decided that our little family is perfect the way it is. (Dammit mushy mom again….I’ll quit I swear). I’ll just kidnap my nieces and make them do fun girly shit with their poor auntie who lives in a house full of boys and has to clean her bathrooms five times a day. Plus my husband is still insistent on having a child and naming him Frank. Yup safe to say that is a wrap on the “should we or shouldn’t we” debate. Case closed.

Up next: A special segment entitled “20 things my kids cried about this week”