Are you a Boy Mom?

I don’t have daughters.  But I am a daughter and I have a sister and never once have I sat on my sister’s head to cut off all her air supply “just because”.  Not having girls obviously means I see things through a boy, pee everywhere, trucks thrown across the room, perspective.  I am sure parents of only girls will tell you that their little ones can cry, scream, and hit like the rest of ‘em.  But us mommas with only boys know that you will never understand the busyness, the aggressive nature, and the immaturity that comes with boys.  While I suppose there are always exceptions, I see girls who sit quietly doing puzzles, play with dolls (and really play, not just dismembering and killing them), have the vocabulary of a grown adult by 18 months, and are potty trained practically at birth.

My boys never sit quietly.  Ever.  Even watching TV they have their hands down their pants or they are doing ninja moves off the couch.  Both my boys remained mute or used caveman grunts well past age 2.  As for potty training?  Let’s just say that my boys could be spokesmen for Pampers and how much they love them.  I mean maybe if I went back to cloth diapers with the pin in your abdomen they would be more inclined to be trained.  Well at least I have a new idea to try.  I am prepared to finally have my youngest potty trained at an uncomfortably old age (the day preschool starts). Continue reading “Are you a Boy Mom?”

Parenting Fantasy Vs. Reality

Everyone knows that the best parents out there are those who have no children.  I was an amazing mom before I had kids.  I was going to do this, that, and the other thing, but nothing makes you abandon that shit faster then when you are up all night with a sick baby or come home from work exhausted.  The last thing you want to do is be a parent, so you let Mickey Mouse take over.  You feed your kids Spaghetti O’s for the 5th night in a row because you just can’t deal with the fight (oh you are well past being surprised at the part where you actually bought a case of Spaghetti O’s in the first place).  Imagine my surprise when I realized that having kids is absolutely NOTHING like the fantasy I had in my head.  Some parts might have a glimmer of that dream I envisioned like when my 2-year-old tells me he loves me in his sweet little voice and melts my heart.  Or when my 4-year-old says laugh out loud, hilarious things and I think how wonderful it is that I successfully cloned myself.

However, my fantasy of parenthood was shattered when my 1st son was born.  Immediately.  Having felt like I’d been hit by a truck and then thrust into never sleeping again can make a person come back to reality fairly quickly.  However, I still have those fantasy visions or viewpoints as each stage moves along, but sometimes I wonder how I could have ever been so naïve.  I mean shit, what twenty something, not a care in the world girl, wouldn’t dream about the adorable little cherubs I would have one day.  They would dress like Gap models and spend countless hours playing house in the basement while I had coffee dates with my friends.  Instead, my kids look like extras from “Oliver” and they have played by themselves exactly ZERO times in the basement while I drink my luke warm, borderline cold coffee, alone.  Not exactly how I thought this would go.  Sometimes the fantasy is a lot more fun to believe, but for those of us on reality island the difference may look a little something like this: Continue reading “Parenting Fantasy Vs. Reality”

What Every Toddler Needs to Know

It seems to me that all toddlers are exactly the same. I didn’t come up with the phrase “Terrible Two’s”, but whoever did probably also had a shitty 2-year-old (or 3 or 4-year-old for that matter). I understand WHY the toddler years are so challenging (so thanks for that every child rearing book every written), but I like to think that somewhere a delightful 2-year-old created a “manifesto”. A handbook of sorts to pass onto his/her little buddies at the playground. I do believe it would go something like this:

1)Have a tantrum in every store that you enter. This will ensure that she buys you the good cookies and will bring snacks everywhere you go just to keep you quiet. Winning.

2)Wake up at an ungodly hour every morning.  Mornings are the best time to cry for milk and get placed in front of the television.

3)Refuse all articles of clothing except pajamas.

4)Fall in love with every character from every Disney Junior show and have a collection of stuffies that MUST accompany you EVERYWHERE.  Obviously you need to have a posse and don’t let your mommy convince you that she is it.

5)Spend most meals only eating from everyone else’s plates.

6)Sometimes you need to keep things interesting. A good way to do this is by telling your mommy that you LOVE carrots. She will be delighted. The next day, when she makes every meal with carrots as the focal point, tell her you now hate carrots and throw them on the floor.

7)Take as many markers as you can find and make a nice mural for your mommy where she can always look at it.  On the wall, in the kitchen, next to her favourite place, the sink full of dishes.

8)Napping in the car for 12 minutes is as good as sleeping 2 hours in your bed. If your mommy tells you otherwise she is LYING TO YOU.

9)Beg for food during all hours that aren’t meal times, and then don’t eat it. Unless it’s Bear Paws. Always eat Bear Paws.

10)Try running a race against your mommy down the middle of the street to see who gets tired first.  Spoiler alert:  It will never be you.

11)Blurt out random words and have your mommy try and figure out what you want.  Like a fun game of charades, but mostly with stomping feet and yelling no.

12)Forget how to walk down the stairs and beg to be carried everywhere.

13)Stop going pee pee on the potty and just start going wherever you feel like it.  Seems easier.

14)When strangers or “friends of mommy” start talking to you in the grocery store and ask you your name or how old you are, DO NOT ANSWER.  It’s a trap.  Try picking your nose instead or throw some groceries out of the cart.

15)Imagine what your life would be like to be within an arm’s reach of your mommy at all times. #AMAZING. Next, think up a plan to make sure this happens. You have to do this yourself. I don’t know what your journey is all about. You’ll know it’s working when she says things like, “It’s just easier if I take him with me” or “I might as well just let her sleep in the bed with us.” Her weakness=your satisfaction. You’re welcome.

16) Make your mommy super crazy all day and then place your chubby arms around her, tell her she’s pretty, and that you love her.  Then make her sing the entire library of Raffi songs to you while she cradles you in her arms.  Bliss

Follow these simple tips for a wonderful life, friends. Now that sand in your sandbox isn’t going to eat itself.  Have a great day.




Top 20 Fears of Someone Who is Afraid of Everything

Everyone has fears. Some of those fears are completely “normal” or typical. Things like something horrible happening to those you love, being afraid of heights, or being taken hostage on a cargo ship by Somalian pirates (that was a TRUE story, you guys). I, on the other hand, have these fears, but I am also afraid of pretty much everything (except for ghosts…I ain’t afraid of no ghosts). Now just because my fears are “irrational” or “Carmenesque” (as my husband calls them) it doesn’t mean that these aren’t things that I think about on a daily basis. It was very hard for me to narrow this down to only 20, but these are the big ones. And yes my brain does hurt. Thank you for asking.

1)Fire. I double check that my oven is off every time I leave the house (even if I haven’t used it in weeks). I will never have a real Christmas tree (have you seen that YouTube video where the tree is engulfed in flames in like 2 seconds)? I hate when people have fires in their backyards (I am afraid that people won’t put the fire out properly and it will come back as a blazing inferno). I only use fake candles (obviously). Sometimes I wonder how I was ever a smoker. Continue reading “Top 20 Fears of Someone Who is Afraid of Everything”

Top 20 Things I Know Nothing About

It has now been established that I am the parenting guru (well at least in my house) and am the expert on everything child related. However, my husband and I are a team and he really does pick up the slack where I fall apart (plus remember last post…I promised this one would be about my shortcomings). I may be awesome, but there are things I really can’t seem to get a grip on. Even though there are days when I would love to take on a sister wife to help me with my kids, at least I don’t have to worry about how to work our sprinklers because my hubby takes care of that. Here are the top 20 things that I literally have no idea about (and truly don’t even care if I ever learn). I am also sorry if I fall into typical female stereotypes here, but you know what? I can grow humans, so take that.

1) Cars. Aside from driving (which, let’s be honest, I’m not great at) I know nothing about vehicles. I once drove around for a year with the emergency light thing blinking (see I don’t even know what it’s called). What’s an alternator? I dunno. What would I do if I got a flat tire? Cry. What kind of oil do I want? You tell me car technician man, you tell me. I also prefer to drive when it is +20 degrees and sunny out. Living in Saskatchewan is obviously not ideal. Oh and just so you know, left hand turns with no turning arrow are the work of the devil and I will take a much longer route to get where I am going to avoid them completely. Continue reading “Top 20 Things I Know Nothing About”

20 Reasons Why I am the Parent in Charge

I love my husband. He is a great father to our kids and he really is my best friend. However, when it comes to our kids we have very different roles. While my husband is attentive and loving and fun, there is a whole other side to parenting that he really has no part in. I have 1000 different things to do in a day and as the last few years have gone by I have come to the realization that my life is so different when it comes to our kids because I am the parent in charge. The enforcer. The planner. The organizer. The cleaner. The communicator. The shit picker upper (literally and figuratively). Yes, I do it all and I know every single detail about my boys and how our house runs. Here are some of the reasons why.

1)I sent my hubby for groceries. Actually just 8 things. He called me twice from the store.

2)He has no idea what sizes of clothes/shoes our kids wear. He also doesn’t know what is in the bag he takes with our kids when he drops them off at daycare. (spare clothes, hats, sunscreen, stuffies, the emergency soother)

3)The man cold. Do I even have to go here? Whenever he is under the weather, he always whines “take care of me.” This includes the making of whatever will make him feel better and being at his beckon call whilst still doing everything I normally do. When I am sick I get sent to the basement in some sort of quarantine and he may throw down some crackers every now and again. When it comes to our kids being sick, apparently he “doesn’t do puke.” I have come to find out that he also doesn’t do diarrhea, poop explosions, boogers in noses, pretty much anything gross that can come out of a child.

4)He asked me how old our neighbour who babysits our kids is. I said “Grade 8”, to which he replied, “That means nothing to me. So she’s like 8?” Yes, an 8-year-old takes care of our kids until midnight when we actually go out. He has also never booked the babysitter himself and he always has to ask me what her name is.

5)He has no idea what to feed them. If I don’t specifically tell him what to make he will just give our kids chicken fingers and fries. Every. Single. Time.

6)When I have “mommy time” it is in the evening after my kids are in bed. My husband golfs. Yes, that’s right…a 5-hour hobby that occurs in the middle of the day. Awesome.

7)He doesn’t understand the importance of “night diapers” and changing our 2-year-old just before bed or else he will wake up prematurely soaked in urine. I am also the only one who apparently knows where we keep the spare sheets.

8)Speaking of bedding, my hubby often tells me that before we met he never washed his sheets weekly like I do. In fact, he never did it at all because he didn’t think he needed to. GROSS.

9)Counting to 3 really works. Please follow my lead and just do it already.

10)He didn’t know a) the name of our son’s preschool b) where the school is located c) his teacher’s name d) what days he attends and e) basic every day communication.

11)I am a teacher. This is a fact. Because of this my husband told me that when it comes to our kids’ education/school choice/homework/extra curricular activities/high school/university/lifelong learning, that he would “just leave me in charge of that”. Hmmm that seems fair.

12)He didn’t know that when you go to another child’s birthday party that it is customary to bring that child a gift. I am pretty sure that this is a societal norm, but okay. He then asked if we needed to send money with our son to pay for the party, you know like 20 bucks? I also don’t need to point out (but totally will) that I was the one who rsvp’d to the party, went to the store, bought the child a gift, wrapped it, and had my child make a delightful handmade card to go with it.

13)Valentines, birthday party invites, teacher presents, daycare incidentals…I’m sure you know where I am going with this…don’t worry I got it.

14)Now I did grow up with a brother so I am quite familiar with the “poop excuse”. Although growing up I thought my brother was some masterful genius as he always got out of dishes to “have a session” as he called it (disgusting I know). I came to realize it wasn’t just my brother, but all men use that excuse. My husband uses this excuse more than the average man I am sure. Bath time, bed time, dinner time, really any time I could use an extra pair of hands, he is beckoned to the bathroom. Always. I have come to notice he never has to go during naptime, happy hour, evening hours, when I suggest a run for ice cream. Moms never use that excuse because moms don’t poop I guess.

15)I schedule EVERYTHING. I literally make all the plans, figure all the necessary shit out, and put it all into his phone which will set off alarms when he is to do certain things or be somewhere. Sometimes I’ll put little things in there like “buy your wife a surprise today” (a gift certificate for the spa and some mini eggs). I mean I obviously have to be specific.

16)I pack all our shit when we go somewhere and all he has to do is pack it in the car, which is a cake walk compared to the laundry, snacks, stuffies, sippy cups, etc. that I have to organize and put in their respective bags to be placed nice and neatly next to the door. It must be nice to not have to worry about whether Elmo made the trip or not because your awesome wife is on the case. The one time I didn’t put my bag by the door my husband didn’t put it in the car and I didn’t have any clothes for 2 days.

17)When I have down time I am meal planning, cleaning, doing laundry, you know that endless list of 1000 things. When my husband has down time he is watching sports and picking players in his golf pool. Did you know that golf practically runs all year? So. Many. Tournaments.

18)It’s offensive to ask me if “the tomato truck is in town”. If I’m bitchy it’s because I am organizing all of our kids toys in their proper bins; a job you don’t even know exists.

19)Like my father, my husband finds out what our kids are getting for Christmas on Christmas morning. He is equally as surprised as my children.

20)To me the most important part of doing the dishes is the wiping of the table and countertops. This is always the part my husband leaves out because “doing the dishes” is just that. Just remember that things you believe should be implied, are not. They need to be forcibly directed with charts, graphs, overheads, slideshows, power points, and a series of sticky notes. Also, whenever I do the dishes (which is many times a day) I don’t announce it the household. “I just did the dishes” and then waiting for praise enrages me. Especially when there is food littered under the table.

**Note: I read this to my husband and while he admits that many of these things are completely true, he wants you all to know that pre marriage and kids he used to golf A LOT. Now he just golfs A LITTLE. The good news is I get to hear about how much he used to golf A LOT. Oh and it’s all in good fun. He has to live with me after all. Don’t worry the next post will be self deprecating humour all about myself. I also agreed that when it comes to the house he is the one in charge, but with the kids there is nothing I don’t know about them. I told him to challenge me on this and all he could come up with was if I knew how to clean the boy parts. Good grief.


How to Live with Toddlers

How to Live With Toddlers

Living with two children aged 4 and under, I can now say I know what it is like to live with miniature assholes. (It’s okay to say that you know. I don’t actually refer to my children as assholes…well at least not to their face). 2-4 year olds are the absolute worst. Sure they can be cute, and loving, and awesome, but they literally can do NOTHING on their own. They need help with everything and sometimes they give up trying all together. There is nothing worse than trying to dress your 2 year old when they have gone all “limp noodle” on you. They also spend most of their day in tears or causing others to be. And the screaming, my gosh the screaming. My kids scream for everything-food, toys, just because. It is the closest I’ll ever be to living in an insane asylum. Now I know I can’t be the only one who hides in the pantry to get away from their toddlers, so I have thought of some ways to make life a tad bit easier. You’re welcome.

1) Toddler snacks are really your snacks. When I am hiding in my pantry I sometimes like to eat my toddler’s snacks. I feel so much better just sitting on my step stool and slamming a Bear Paw. It’s almost like a little payback or “I’ll get back at you for that tantrum. We shall see how funny it is when all your animal crackers are gone.” Try it. Completely liberating. Plus who are we kidding? I totally buy Teddy Grahams for myself to eat when the kids go to bed. Continue reading “How to Live with Toddlers”

20 Things My Kids Cried Over This Week

20 Things My Kids Cried Over This Week

When you have small children there is a good chance that someone in your house is always crying (parent and kids alike). My boys cry All. THE. TIME. I can tolerate crying over reasonable things such as falling down and getting hurt or being scared. However, these reasons make up only 5% of the actual things my kids cry about. Here is a sample of the ridiculous things my children cried over this week.

My sons (they really are interchangeable here) cried because…

1) He wouldn’t wear his pj’s because the bear on his shirt wasn’t smiling.

2) He wanted to lick sidewalk chalk like a lollipop. I wouldn’t let him.

3) He didn’t want us to put his bread in the toaster. He wanted to eat it frozen. Didn’t eat it. Cried when it unthawed and wanted it frozen again.

4) I gave the blue plate to his brother and gave him the orange plate. Orange is his favourite colour, but not on plates.

5) I gave him milk that I had just put back in the fridge like an hour before. He said “it tastes like milk from breakfast.” Well I suppose that is true…

6) I wouldn’t let him have just ketchup as a meal.

7) His eggs tasted too “eggy”.

8) I didn’t give him the fish and steamed veggies from my plate to his plate of chicken nuggets and noodles. Gave him some and he cried because it didn’t taste like chicken nuggets and noodles.

9) I made him wear pants to preschool.

10) His granola bar looked squishy.

11) I wouldn’t let him put his fingers in an oscillating fan.

12) His pants don’t roll up the right way (they were shorts).

13) I told my older son that he looked cute with his coat and backpack on. He immediately took off said coat and backpack and cried. We need to work on what a compliment means.

14) He realized I sold a toy of his on Varage Sale (ok that is a legit reason to cry).

15) I wasn’t supplying a “2nd breakfast” shortly after “1st breakfast” was prepared, served, and thrown on the floor.

16) Brother and Sister Bear got in trouble for a bad case of the “greedy, galloping gimmies” in the Berenstain Bears book, which meant they could no longer have treats at the grocery store. He was afraid that would apply to him-he cried even harder when I said that it did.

17) I turned on the TV and Property Brothers came on instead on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I mean how DARE I change the channel. The TV should be on Disney Junior indefinitely.

18) He wanted to get out of the car first. Before me. The Driver. The one who needs to unbuckle his car seat and lift him OUT of the car.

19) My husband told our older son that he’ll get to look forward to having salad every day for lunch when he’s older (as he was making his salad for lunch) because that’s what adults eat. He cried because, “I don’t want to eat salad when I’m 40. You know how much I hate cucumbers”. Nothing like crying about something 36 years in the future.

20) I wouldn’t let him put the booger he just picked from HIS nose into MY mouth. For the love.

How to Decide on Baby #3

I have two kids. Both boys. They drive me insane. I long for a girl. I really want someone to go shopping with, go to musicals, have coffee dates and tea parties, you know girly shit. I realize I’ll make my boys do these things whether they want to or not, but I know it won’t be the same. I know that a girl would still call her mom after the age of 18, where my boys will probably forget I ever existed. Boys just don’t call their moms the way that girls do. Boys don’t tell their moms that they are their “best friend” when they are adults. My husband always comments on those contestants on reality shows who cry uncontrollably when they get to see a loved one after being on an island for like 20 days. He is always like, “I can go 3 months without talking to my mom, let alone seeing her. I don’t understand how they are so emotional over seeing their mom.” Case in point. A girl would miss her mom if she was stuck on an island filming a television show I’ll tell you that much.

Even though I hated every single moment of both pregnancies, had two C-sections (which totally suck by the way), had two very unhappy colicky newborns, who just so happened to be boys, it actually wasn’t a simple decision to decide on whether or not to have a 3rd baby. I mean I do love my boys and would certainly be happy to have another member added to our family (#blessed). And let’s be honest, I would relish the thought of having a girl. So for anyone who may be grappling with this decision here’s my “How To” list on deciding whether you should “pull the goalie” and go for it. (For the record, I hate that expression, but my husband used it so much the last few years it has become a part of my vernacular. My apologies.) Continue reading “How to Decide on Baby #3”

How To Throw a Child’s Birthday Party

If I were to tell you what my number one fear was when becoming a parent I’m sure you would guess either 1) keeping a helpless infant alive 2) sleepless nights with said helpless infant or 3) how to place a helpless infant into one of those godforsaken baby slings. However, the real answer is birthday parties. Before my 1st son was even born I worried about the planning, administering, conducting of, everything to do with having a successful birthday party. Seriously, this stressed me out.

I am not creative. I loathe Pinterest. I hate going to other children’s birthday parties. I don’t even want to go to my own child’s birthday party. But this year my son was turning 4. A 4 year old is starting to have actual friends and not just children I force him to play with because they have the same pant size. Not to mention, he is at an age where he might remember that he didn’t get to have a birthday party when he turned 4 because “mommy is lazy”, or whatever he will tell his future therapist. Continue reading “How To Throw a Child’s Birthday Party”