Top 20 Fears of Someone Who is Afraid of Everything

Everyone has fears. Some of those fears are completely “normal” or typical. Things like something horrible happening to those you love, being afraid of heights, or being taken hostage on a cargo ship by Somalian pirates (that was a TRUE story, you guys). I, on the other hand, have these fears, but I am also afraid of pretty much everything (except for ghosts…I ain’t afraid of no ghosts). Now just because my fears are “irrational” or “Carmenesque” (as my husband calls them) it doesn’t mean that these aren’t things that I think about on a daily basis. It was very hard for me to narrow this down to only 20, but these are the big ones. And yes my brain does hurt. Thank you for asking.

1)Fire. I double check that my oven is off every time I leave the house (even if I haven’t used it in weeks). I will never have a real Christmas tree (have you seen that YouTube video where the tree is engulfed in flames in like 2 seconds)? I hate when people have fires in their backyards (I am afraid that people won’t put the fire out properly and it will come back as a blazing inferno). I only use fake candles (obviously). Sometimes I wonder how I was ever a smoker.

2)Horror Movies. And by horror movies I mean any movie/tv show/commercial that seems the least bit like someone might be hurt. Perhaps watching “Nightmare on Elm Street” when I was 6 wasn’t such a good idea, mom. Yes, it turns out that my older brother was not a very good babysitter and would often make me watch horror movies alone in our creepy basement where he also happened to have a life size poster of Freddy Krueger above his bed. “1, 2 Freddy’s comin’ for you” still haunts me and perhaps could explain the fire phobia. (You know because Freddy was so badly burned that he had to come back and kill people in their dreams. He had a hand made of KNIVES…KNIVES!!!)

3)Talking to real people on the phone. I have mentioned this before, but this is seriously a thing. I am not shy and have no trouble speaking to a group of people in front of me, but having to say things to people on the phone and I forget what my own name is. I get so flustered that it takes me like 10 minutes to even get to the point of why I called. I have to rehearse the conversation and if people don’t answer me according to the script I have written out where I imagine what their responses should be, well I might as well just move to another country and get a new identity. I hate ordering pizza because I am so afraid that they will screw up my order and I’ll end up with something I can’t eat. Thank goodness for cell phones. Now I can pretty much just email or text people, so it’s like I never have to talk to anyone ever again. What a time to be alive.

4)Not cleaning the dryer vent properly. Again this relates to #1. Sometimes I envision being on my deathbed and the only thing I want to tell my husband is to make sure he properly cleans out the dryer vent so he doesn’t burn the house down. Not “I love you” or “take care of our boys”, but the dryer vent. Try living with that.

5)Dogs. Specifically, wild dogs. When my husband was living up north there were so many wild dogs roaming the streets that I refused to live there. Literally that was the ONLY reason.

6)Being invited over for dinner and not liking what they are serving. This happened to me once and it was seriously like the “mutton episode” from Seinfeld. I literally put food into napkins and dumped it into the toilet afterwards (for fear of being chased by wild dogs…see how everything fits together)?? The worst part was it was a “Pity Dinner”. Oh you’ve never been to a Pity Dinner? Well people often feel sorry for me because I cry a lot. So when I cried in the middle of a crowded staff room when I was teaching in England, this poor guy felt so bad for me he invited me over to his house for dinner with him and his wife. I tried to tell him it was unnecessary. I had real live friends, just not at that torture chamber they called a school, but I mean I was sobbing. The night of the dinner I was worried about 2 things-taking public transit alone at night where I could be robbed and then dismembered, and that they would serve something gross like mushrooms or curry. What did they serve? Mushroomed curry over rice. I tried picking out rice that had not been touched by the vile curry sauce, but it was smothered. No grain of rice was left untouched. I was hoping the wine they served was poisoned so I could just end it there. If you ever invite me over for dinner treat me like a 5-year-old and just order me a cheese pizza (just don’t make me order it). I beg you.

7)The reality that Peter Mansbridge will retire one day. What?? I have a bit of a crush.

8)Having those drug dogs in airports sniff out my luggage and have a scene out of Brokedown Palace. I would not fair well in a Thai prison.

9)Accidently eating/preparing uncooked food and giving everyone food poisoning. That is why I cook the SHIT out of everything and prefer my food well done/burnt. What my chicken is dry? Would you prefer getting salmonella? You want pink in your steak? And get blood all over my plates? That’s gross. You don’t like pork chops cooked so well done that they shrink to the size of a toonie? No, sorry. There will be no raw meat on my watch.

10)Uncontrolled intersections. I know right?

11)How to work a shower in someone else’s house.

12)Plugging a toilet in someone else’s house. Hot tip: If I ever leave your house earlier than normal this may have happened. I won’t tell you; I will just leave. I am apologizing to you about this right now.

13)Getting flesh eating disease. Well pretty much getting any type of disease that I saw on Oprah.

14)Getting accidently drunk at a wedding and missing Julianne Hough do the Footloose dance. Oh wait…THAT HAPPENED.

15)Being the first or last person to arrive. I hate being early (makes me feel like a loser that has no life and has been waiting ALL day for the event) or late (makes me feel irresponsible, which I AM NOT). If everyone could just sync up their phones/watches and arrive ON TIME, that’d be great.

16)Being sucked into a cult like Kelly Taylor on Beverley Hills 90210. Seems plausible.

17)Being thrown overboard on a cruise ship. NOTE: I have never been on a cruise ship.

18)Zoos. They smell weird and the animals scare me.

19)Winter driving, driving at night, in the wind, dust, rain, when clouds look strange, driving someone else’s car, parking, and getting in an accident and having someone yell at me on the side of the road (naturally I would be at fault).

20)Finally, probably my biggest irrational fear…having to go to the bathroom and not finding a bathroom. Along with childbirth and tampons, guys just don’t get this. Peeing, sharting, and/or pooping your pants changes you in a way you can’t really recover from. Am I being dramatic? I don’t know, have you ever roamed around Barcelona at 3 A.M and NO ONE would let you use their bathroom? Hmmm until that happens to you and you are left without options, talk to me then and let me know if I am too dramatic. I won’t finish this story as I’m afraid you’ll all look at me differently. Oh forget it, you know I’ll tell you. I pooped my pants in Barcelona.


Top 20 Things I Know Nothing About

It has now been established that I am the parenting guru (well at least in my house) and am the expert on everything child related. However, my husband and I are a team and he really does pick up the slack where I fall apart (plus remember last post…I promised this one would be about my shortcomings). I may be awesome, but there are things I really can’t seem to get a grip on. Even though there are days when I would love to take on a sister wife to help me with my kids, at least I don’t have to worry about how to work our sprinklers because my hubby takes care of that. Here are the top 20 things that I literally have no idea about (and truly don’t even care if I ever learn). I am also sorry if I fall into typical female stereotypes here, but you know what? I can grow humans, so take that.

1) Cars. Aside from driving (which, let’s be honest, I’m not great at) I know nothing about vehicles. I once drove around for a year with the emergency light thing blinking (see I don’t even know what it’s called). What’s an alternator? I dunno. What would I do if I got a flat tire? Cry. What kind of oil do I want? You tell me car technician man, you tell me. I also prefer to drive when it is +20 degrees and sunny out. Living in Saskatchewan is obviously not ideal. Oh and just so you know, left hand turns with no turning arrow are the work of the devil and I will take a much longer route to get where I am going to avoid them completely.

2) Internet banking. Super embarrassed about this one. Up until recently, I was mailing in cheques to pay for my bills. I know some of you are reading this and thinking “what are cheques”? My husband always made fun of me asking if I was going to tie my cheque to the leg of a pigeon. I guess I am afraid the computer will eat my money or something. I also need my husband to do email money transfers since I have no idea how to access my account. Pathetic. Needless to say my husband is in charge of our finances.

3) Yard Maintenance/Gardening/Planting Flowers. I’m not really outdoorsy so I have no interest in doing any of these things. My husband, on the other hand, fancies himself as quite the greens keeper (I mean he did work on a golf course FOUR summers in a ROW) which obviously gives him professional gardening status. He feels like he is the envy of our neighborhood and needs to be out there tending to his flowers and lawn because EVERYONE is talking about how green and lush everything is. I mean how have we not been featured in a home and garden magazine already? The only time I ever attempted to do anything in our yard was when my husband was out of town and he asked me to water the plants. I killed them in one day. Death due to drowning.

4) Fixing Anything. I have trouble twisting off pickle jars, so I don’t think I’m really in the position to be learning how to do anything that requires tools. I’m not even 100% sure I could pick out a wrench in a tool line up.

5) General Knowledge. I don’t ever like to “get caught” not knowing something. I mean I am a teacher, so I should know everything about everything. Obviously. However, I don’t pay a lot of attention to things and I pick and choose what I care to know about due to laziness and my addiction to television, which occupies my time when I’m not sleeping. Naturally, there are lots of things I know nothing about, but I will try my hardest to fool you into thinking I do. Sometimes though, I say something that tips people off that I have no idea what I am talking
about. When the whole “gorilla thing” happened I made the comment, “What were they afraid the gorilla was going to eat him (the child)?”, to which an “acquaintance” retorted, “Don’t you know gorillas are vegetarians”? Well I’m not a gorilla expert, douche canoe, so I guess I don’t know that. I still don’t actually believe him though and have yet to fact check this. I mean I eat meat, surely they do too? See what I mean though? Why would I be expected to know this? Do you all know this? Sometimes I think I know a lot and then someone puts me in my place and then it appears the only thing I know about is what the Kardashians wore on their last red carpet appearance.

6) Computers. I should know more than I do here. I have floated through life at this point getting people to just do stuff for me on computers. I realize now though that I will have to learn if I want to keep up with my kids who will surpass me with their skills by the time they are 8. I wish I could do cool shit like make a web series or something, but good grief, no, no I can’t. My kids will feel about me the way I do about older people who put the entirety of an email in the subject line.

7) Baking. Now while I have made leaps and bounds in the cooking department since being married and definitely since having kids, I still cannot bake. Anytime I have to have any sort of baking I either buy something from the store and make it look like I made it myself or I make Rice Krispie cake. I never make cookies, I make birthday cupcakes from a mix, and I always volunteer an appetizer when it comes to potlucks (and let’s be real here, it’s either a ready to go salad or chips and store bought salsa). Hot tip: The Rice Krispie recipe is right on the box you guys.

8) Crafts. I hated art when I was a kid. Hands down my least favourite class. I once cried for an entire day in grade six because I couldn’t draw a heart when doing a Valentine’s Day craft (still can’t, still cry about it). So you can imagine my horror when a) I once had to teach art as an actual class and b) I ran the playpark summer program where you had to do a morning craft EVERY SINGLE DAY. We made so many egg carton caterpillars it isn’t even funny. When I could get away with it I would often declare it “game board day” or “scavenger hunt for sand and rocks day” instead of having to do the craft. Now my son wants to “be crafty” all the time and I wonder what I have done to deserve this.

9) Watching Sports. I hate watching any sort of sporting activity either live or on TV. I will go to an actual sporting event, but that is really for the drinking. I usually never even watch the game. I also hate watching any type of sport on TV, well except for figure skating (or fancy skating as my grandma used to call it); I like the costumes. I am certain that in my version of hell I would be forced to eat hot dogs covered in mushrooms with warm milk while watching football (or worse yet baseball) on TV. I am well aware that this sounds like heaven for many of you. For those of you who agree with me you are my true soul mates.

10) Playing Sports. I am basically the opposite of athletic. When I was forced to play sports as a child I was always afraid of the ball. Even though the classic line from A League of their Own “There is no crying in baseball”, in my world there was nothing but crying in baseball. I cried if I couldn’t hit the ball, if the ball was coming too fast, if I was put in right field (I knew that was the loser spot) and all the rest in between. Don’t get me started on the excuse rolodex I had to get out of gym class in high school.

11) Ordering Coffee from Starbucks. Until their baristas can spell people’s names correctly (my name is Carmen, not Herman) I won’t feel bad that I have no idea how to use their pretentious coffee lingo. I’ll tell you what I want and you figure out how to put that in your cult coffee code.

12) Painting. Despite the fact that I have done my fair share of painting, I still have not improved. I was forced to paint as part of child labour during the summers (the dreaded staining of the deck), I had to paint the inside of a house as a form of payment during an internship (trust me, she was better off accepting cash), and I had a summer job that involved painting pools and playpark equipment (let’s just say I had so much paint all over myself that everyone called me Braveheart all summer). We learned a very valuable lesson that summer: do not use outdoor paint inside a room with no windows or ventilation. The crew also left me alone painting playpark equipment with literally a brush and a can of paint. Do you know how hard it is to paint a jungle gym by hand? Or a swing set that is 10 feet high with no ladder? Of course I did a shitty job.

13) How to Pack for a Weekend. By weekend I mean like 2-3 days. I always pack as if I will never return home. I pack day and evening outfits for me and the kids, winter and summer clothes regardless of what time of year it is (hey you never know when a heat wave can strike), clothes for any sort of inclement weather (what if there is a flood and I don’t have rubber boots?), multiple pairs of shoes and coats, bedding (no joke I bring my kids’ blankets), you name it, I have it. My husband always says, “You know we are just going for 2 days right”? The worst part is I know that I will probably just spend all weekend in the same pair of sweats.

14) Getting More Twitter Followers. I try but the only followers I seem to get are from the adult film star or weirdo variety. I suppose it just takes one funny tweet to go viral, but I’ve got some golden tweets and yet…nothing. My brother doesn’t even like my tweets anymore. Perhaps I need a new Twitter handle…feel free to make suggestions. My deep need for validation from complete strangers will never be actualized until I have at least 500 followers. I am currently at 92, not that I am counting or anything.

15) How to Light a Pilot Light. I have a phobia of fire and things blowing up on me rendering me so disfigured that my own family won’t recognize me, so naturally this is something I will never do. Nope not willing to learn. Before I had a husband who could do such things I actually called Sask Energy to come and light it for me. Seemed too easy really, but I found out why this guy was so willing to come. Two young girls who couldn’t have a hot shower, yup this guy showed up in record time. This guy turned out to be a horrible person and basically told us he was willing to cheat on his wife and would help us in the shower if we needed (hmmm guy sounds like a winner doesn’t he??). But I would rather have this buffoon be completely inappropriate and disgusting than have to light that pilot light myself.

16) How to Unplug a Toilet. Another disgusting job I will not do. Once again this was actually a job requirement for my summer job as a janitor and I totally just pretended it didn’t need to be done. One evening someone called for the janitor over the loudspeaker to the men’s washroom and I just hid in the break room until I felt it was safe to emerge. I would often just blindly spray disinfectant into the stalls as seriously there is nothing grosser than cleaning up a stranger’s shit. Whenever I am having a bad day I often ask myself, “Self, would you rather clean the men’s bathroom after a rodeo cabaret when you yourself are hungover, or explain the same algebra question 20 times?” I instantly feel better. That is why shitty jobs exist (pun totally intended) so that when you are working in your soul crushing career you know it can always be worse.

17) My Garage. Aside from occasionally parking in there (with a tennis ball hanging from the roof to guide me) I seriously don’t know what half of that stuff is in there or how to operate it. I did use a weed eater once (again as part of a summer job), but I weed eated a snake skin and that was the end of that. I threw the thing down and ran in the truck. Perhaps that is why I was sent to clean toilets. I have never used a lawn mower, but I know we have one. Using a ladder is pointless as I still wouldn’t be tall enough to do anything once I’m on it. I do know that there is a mini fridge in there full of beer and the garage is where we store our empty whiskey bottles. I suppose that is all I really need to know.

18) How to Say No to Salespeople. Over the past few years I have cost our household hundreds of dollars. The main reason is because I can’t say no when someone comes to my house selling something or when I get accosted outside of a store. I wish it was just Girl Guide cookies I am buying, but sadly those sweet cookie girls don’t come around often enough. In the past seven years I have signed up for/bought 2 different alarm systems, a Home Depot credit card, a Sobeys MasterCard, a subscription to the Leader Post (which I receive at work already), an aerated lawn on several occasions, weed control on several occasions, numerous raffle tickets for things I don’t even want or need (like raffle tickets for fishing packages… I have never once been fishing) and probably more things than I care to admit. I have tried saying no, but these sales people are ruthless and don’t take no for an answer. I get so uncomfortable I’ll do just about anything to make them go away. Don’t worry my husband makes me call and cancel everything almost immediately and I even think I may have gotten the Sobeys MasterCard guy fired when I called to cancel the card and told them he pressured me so hard to sign up that I felt trapped. I really laid into how badly this guy made me feel and made a formal complaint. I also told Sobeys that they were dead to me and I’d never shop there again. I do that when I get angry and then boycott places for life. I suppose some people might describe me as “spiteful”. But if you pressure me to buy or sign up for something I probably will in the moment, but then I will get you back like an hour later when I call the company and complain about your aggressive sales tactics. Oh and if you come to my door and both my children are trying to escape out of the front door with nothing but underwear on because you showed up at bath time, trust me when I tell you that THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME. Best time to come back? A quarter after never.

19) Gangster Rap. I like to think that I am a bit of a connoisseur of music and have exceptional taste. I mean Pearl Jam is my favourite band…need I say more? But there is one genre of music, that although I have had to listen to my fair share of, I still know nothing about. Gangster rap. Although I did learn a considerable amount from watching “Straight Outta Compton” a dozen times, I kept thinking Ice Cube was Ice Tea the entire time. Clearly I know very little. However, I have students who love to listen to this type of music and make it their mission to try and convert me (will NEVER happen). They were telling me about the types of songs that they like. There is a song out there in the rap world called “Billy Crystal”. So naturally I asked the question, “I wonder if the real Billy Crystal is mad they named this song about him.” The room was silent. In fact, nobody in the room, other than me, even knew who Billy Crystal was. Then I actually listened to the song. It is about a guy named Billy who likes crystal meth, not the comedian Billy Crystal. Case closed on why I know nothing about rap as I also know nothing about illicit drug use.

20) Putting Together Furniture. There is nothing worse than getting the instructions out of the box with an assortment of screws, 87 steps, and one shitty little Allan wrench. Watching my husband put together our baby’s crib (which took several days and a case of beer) solidified all the reasons I will either have my husband put together all furniture for life or pay to have some do it. Money does buy happiness when it allows me to never have to learn these skills.

20 Reasons Why I am the Parent in Charge

I love my husband. He is a great father to our kids and he really is my best friend. However, when it comes to our kids we have very different roles. While my husband is attentive and loving and fun, there is a whole other side to parenting that he really has no part in. I have 1000 different things to do in a day and as the last few years have gone by I have come to the realization that my life is so different when it comes to our kids because I am the parent in charge. The enforcer. The planner. The organizer. The cleaner. The communicator. The shit picker upper (literally and figuratively). Yes, I do it all and I know every single detail about my boys and how our house runs. Here are some of the reasons why.

1)I sent my hubby for groceries. Actually just 8 things. He called me twice from the store.

2)He has no idea what sizes of clothes/shoes our kids wear. He also doesn’t know what is in the bag he takes with our kids when he drops them off at daycare. (spare clothes, hats, sunscreen, stuffies, the emergency soother)

3)The man cold. Do I even have to go here? Whenever he is under the weather, he always whines “take care of me.” This includes the making of whatever will make him feel better and being at his beckon call whilst still doing everything I normally do. When I am sick I get sent to the basement in some sort of quarantine and he may throw down some crackers every now and again. When it comes to our kids being sick, apparently he “doesn’t do puke.” I have come to find out that he also doesn’t do diarrhea, poop explosions, boogers in noses, pretty much anything gross that can come out of a child.

4)He asked me how old our neighbour who babysits our kids is. I said “Grade 8”, to which he replied, “That means nothing to me. So she’s like 8?” Yes, an 8-year-old takes care of our kids until midnight when we actually go out. He has also never booked the babysitter himself and he always has to ask me what her name is.

5)He has no idea what to feed them. If I don’t specifically tell him what to make he will just give our kids chicken fingers and fries. Every. Single. Time.

6)When I have “mommy time” it is in the evening after my kids are in bed. My husband golfs. Yes, that’s right…a 5-hour hobby that occurs in the middle of the day. Awesome.

7)He doesn’t understand the importance of “night diapers” and changing our 2-year-old just before bed or else he will wake up prematurely soaked in urine. I am also the only one who apparently knows where we keep the spare sheets.

8)Speaking of bedding, my hubby often tells me that before we met he never washed his sheets weekly like I do. In fact, he never did it at all because he didn’t think he needed to. GROSS.

9)Counting to 3 really works. Please follow my lead and just do it already.

10)He didn’t know a) the name of our son’s preschool b) where the school is located c) his teacher’s name d) what days he attends and e) basic every day communication.

11)I am a teacher. This is a fact. Because of this my husband told me that when it comes to our kids’ education/school choice/homework/extra curricular activities/high school/university/lifelong learning, that he would “just leave me in charge of that”. Hmmm that seems fair.

12)He didn’t know that when you go to another child’s birthday party that it is customary to bring that child a gift. I am pretty sure that this is a societal norm, but okay. He then asked if we needed to send money with our son to pay for the party, you know like 20 bucks? I also don’t need to point out (but totally will) that I was the one who rsvp’d to the party, went to the store, bought the child a gift, wrapped it, and had my child make a delightful handmade card to go with it.

13)Valentines, birthday party invites, teacher presents, daycare incidentals…I’m sure you know where I am going with this…don’t worry I got it.

14)Now I did grow up with a brother so I am quite familiar with the “poop excuse”. Although growing up I thought my brother was some masterful genius as he always got out of dishes to “have a session” as he called it (disgusting I know). I came to realize it wasn’t just my brother, but all men use that excuse. My husband uses this excuse more than the average man I am sure. Bath time, bed time, dinner time, really any time I could use an extra pair of hands, he is beckoned to the bathroom. Always. I have come to notice he never has to go during naptime, happy hour, evening hours, when I suggest a run for ice cream. Moms never use that excuse because moms don’t poop I guess.

15)I schedule EVERYTHING. I literally make all the plans, figure all the necessary shit out, and put it all into his phone which will set off alarms when he is to do certain things or be somewhere. Sometimes I’ll put little things in there like “buy your wife a surprise today” (a gift certificate for the spa and some mini eggs). I mean I obviously have to be specific.

16)I pack all our shit when we go somewhere and all he has to do is pack it in the car, which is a cake walk compared to the laundry, snacks, stuffies, sippy cups, etc. that I have to organize and put in their respective bags to be placed nice and neatly next to the door. It must be nice to not have to worry about whether Elmo made the trip or not because your awesome wife is on the case. The one time I didn’t put my bag by the door my husband didn’t put it in the car and I didn’t have any clothes for 2 days.

17)When I have down time I am meal planning, cleaning, doing laundry, you know that endless list of 1000 things. When my husband has down time he is watching sports and picking players in his golf pool. Did you know that golf practically runs all year? So. Many. Tournaments.

18)It’s offensive to ask me if “the tomato truck is in town”. If I’m bitchy it’s because I am organizing all of our kids toys in their proper bins; a job you don’t even know exists.

19)Like my father, my husband finds out what our kids are getting for Christmas on Christmas morning. He is equally as surprised as my children.

20)To me the most important part of doing the dishes is the wiping of the table and countertops. This is always the part my husband leaves out because “doing the dishes” is just that. Just remember that things you believe should be implied, are not. They need to be forcibly directed with charts, graphs, overheads, slideshows, power points, and a series of sticky notes. Also, whenever I do the dishes (which is many times a day) I don’t announce it the household. “I just did the dishes” and then waiting for praise enrages me. Especially when there is food littered under the table.

**Note: I read this to my husband and while he admits that many of these things are completely true, he wants you all to know that pre marriage and kids he used to golf A LOT. Now he just golfs A LITTLE. The good news is I get to hear about how much he used to golf A LOT. Oh and it’s all in good fun. He has to live with me after all. Don’t worry the next post will be self deprecating humour all about myself. I also agreed that when it comes to the house he is the one in charge, but with the kids there is nothing I don’t know about them. I told him to challenge me on this and all he could come up with was if I knew how to clean the boy parts. Good grief.


20 Things My Kids Cried Over This Week

20 Things My Kids Cried Over This Week

When you have small children there is a good chance that someone in your house is always crying (parent and kids alike). My boys cry All. THE. TIME. I can tolerate crying over reasonable things such as falling down and getting hurt or being scared. However, these reasons make up only 5% of the actual things my kids cry about. Here is a sample of the ridiculous things my children cried over this week.

My sons (they really are interchangeable here) cried because…

1) He wouldn’t wear his pj’s because the bear on his shirt wasn’t smiling.

2) He wanted to lick sidewalk chalk like a lollipop. I wouldn’t let him.

3) He didn’t want us to put his bread in the toaster. He wanted to eat it frozen. Didn’t eat it. Cried when it unthawed and wanted it frozen again.

4) I gave the blue plate to his brother and gave him the orange plate. Orange is his favourite colour, but not on plates.

5) I gave him milk that I had just put back in the fridge like an hour before. He said “it tastes like milk from breakfast.” Well I suppose that is true…

6) I wouldn’t let him have just ketchup as a meal.

7) His eggs tasted too “eggy”.

8) I didn’t give him the fish and steamed veggies from my plate to his plate of chicken nuggets and noodles. Gave him some and he cried because it didn’t taste like chicken nuggets and noodles.

9) I made him wear pants to preschool.

10) His granola bar looked squishy.

11) I wouldn’t let him put his fingers in an oscillating fan.

12) His pants don’t roll up the right way (they were shorts).

13) I told my older son that he looked cute with his coat and backpack on. He immediately took off said coat and backpack and cried. We need to work on what a compliment means.

14) He realized I sold a toy of his on Varage Sale (ok that is a legit reason to cry).

15) I wasn’t supplying a “2nd breakfast” shortly after “1st breakfast” was prepared, served, and thrown on the floor.

16) Brother and Sister Bear got in trouble for a bad case of the “greedy, galloping gimmies” in the Berenstain Bears book, which meant they could no longer have treats at the grocery store. He was afraid that would apply to him-he cried even harder when I said that it did.

17) I turned on the TV and Property Brothers came on instead on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I mean how DARE I change the channel. The TV should be on Disney Junior indefinitely.

18) He wanted to get out of the car first. Before me. The Driver. The one who needs to unbuckle his car seat and lift him OUT of the car.

19) My husband told our older son that he’ll get to look forward to having salad every day for lunch when he’s older (as he was making his salad for lunch) because that’s what adults eat. He cried because, “I don’t want to eat salad when I’m 40. You know how much I hate cucumbers”. Nothing like crying about something 36 years in the future.

20) I wouldn’t let him put the booger he just picked from HIS nose into MY mouth. For the love.