Brush Your Teeth With Soap and Other Things to Try in 2017

Anyone else feeling like they wish 2017 would just get better already?  I know I’m not alone here.  This year is pretty much the worst.  Not only am I currently developing an ulcer worrying about everything that is wrong with this province/country/world, but I also am dealing with the fact that I hate every item of clothing in my closet.  The struggle is real.  To add insult to injury, I had someone ask me if I was pregnant today and now I will have to burn the one sweater I do like, as it will forever taunt me that I look pregnant wearing it.  So, since eating my feelings is obviously not the answer, I decided to think of a few ideas that might help get me through the rest of the year.  Obviously, this will be in addition to alcohol and online shopping.

1)  Apply to be on a reality TV show.  Now I realize my options are limited for obvious reasons.  I’m not a crazy fame whore, so the Bachelor is out (well that and already being married is probably frowned upon).  No one has offered to be my partner for the Amazing Race, plus I would hate every challenge that involves heights, driving, dancing, or eating gross food, so that’s pretty much the whole show.  I have an aversion to sweltering hot temperatures, bugs, and not showering, so Survivor would be a nightmare.  That leaves Big Brother.  Even though I would be labelled as “the token old mom” I think I would win everyone over with my wit and complete lack of personal boundaries.  Plus, with my memory I’d kill at those mental challenges.  But trust me when I tell you that I would make all of you be a part of my fan club and wear t-shirts with my face on them.

2)  Wear actual jeans.  I don’t know how it happened actually.  Wait…no, I do.  Maternity pants.  That’s where it started.  Those comfortable, buttonless pants.  Once I got a taste of the good life, it became an addiction.  Then they came out with pajama jeans and my life became complete.  I haven’t worn actual blue jeans in like 6 years.  I go from stretchy pajama jeans to black dress pants to yoga pants.  Someone get a pair of Mom Jeans immediately.

3)  Brush my teeth with Dove soap.  Yes, you read that right.  I spend my days with people who have nothing better to do than think up clever life hacks and this one is actually pretty legit.  I’ve tried it (no judging) and it works.  Your teeth will be shinier and I swear my mouth has never felt fresher.  Well, obviously because I am literally washing my mouth out with soap.  I shave a little off the bar of soap and mix it with toothpaste.  It has to be Dove soap though…something about the Ph balance…Google it.  When the idea was first presented to me I dismissed it like I do most things.  However, after personal testimonies from several people who tried it, I felt it would be negligent to not look into it.  According to various internet posts from people who have no credentials whatsoever, it seemed like perhaps 4 out of 5 fake dentists can’t be wrong.  However, I only tried it once and clearly, I need to work this into my daily “make myself presentable” circus.

4)  Get a tattoo.  I said it last year when I wanted to get one and never did.  I want it to be subtle, have meaning, and look cool.  Is it too late to consider a lower back tattoo or has that fad died out?  The only thing I know for sure is a face tattoo makes it really hard for people to take you seriously, or hire you, so that’s out, but I am open to suggestions.

5)  Start a home business.  I have a billionaire’s sense of entitlement, so naturally my meager salary is not enough for me to live the life I was destined for.  I have been thinking about several options, but I really want to commit to see it through.  Here are my options.

a) Write a book. However, the price to self publish is a bit beyond me, plus would anyone buy it (I mean aside from my mom)?  Maybe a Kickstarter campaign would work if I even knew how to do that.

b) Set up a deal pushing products on Instagram like all the rejected Bachelorettes. “Don’t you just love my new Fossil watch?  I look so pretty wearing it, and you could too!” or “My hair has never been shinier thanks to Sugar Bear Hair.  Use code ‘carmenb’ to get 15% off!”  I mean I could do that.

c) Turn things I love into a job. I love writing, watching TV, making passive aggressive responses to things on Facebook, selling things on Varage Sale, and not being woken up when I’m asleep.  I am really hoping that I can meld all these worlds together and create the perfect business.  Here’s hoping!

2017 can’t be the year where everything turned to shit. Let’s raise the bar, one Dove soap at a time.

Tooth Fairy Ideas and Where You Can Shove Them

I am now in the stage of parenting where I am learning all about the tooth fairy.  To be honest, she seems like a Pinterest “everyday is magical” wench.  Yup I just said that.  My 5-year-old has his first loose tooth and things went from “maybe the Tooth Fairy will bring me a quarter” to “what is the Tooth Fairy getting me for my first tooth?  A trampoline?”  WTF.  Since when are teeth that big of a deal?  My son asked me what I got for my first tooth to which I replied, “Well, it was 1987, so probably nothing.  Maybe a quarter, but most likely it was a nickel.”  Like seriously.

Remember the 80’s and how our parents were WAY less into parenting?  It was awesome.  But I’m a mom in 2017, and all of a sudden I have to have elaborate celebrations for everything and now I find out that “the first tooth” is actually something I have to celebrate.  Come the hell on, you guys.  Which one of you upped the anty on making a big deal out of EVERYTHING??  First I had to have 24 days of Christmas delight with that stupid elf, and now I have to invite the Queen for supper because my kid lost a tooth.      Continue reading “Tooth Fairy Ideas and Where You Can Shove Them”

Day in the Life of Your Toddler

From morning until night, life in a toddler regime can be difficult.  My almost 3 year old is a monster right now, you guys.  A holy terror that is breaking toys, all my earthly possessions, and most notably, my spirit.  But it’s hard being 3.  Here’s a look at what life is like for the toddler who is running my insane asylum.

My room is dark.  I don’t like that.  Hey my pull-up is wet-I’ll just take that off.  Oops I think I pee peed in my big boy bed/jumping apparatus.  Better call my mommy to fix that.  I don’t know what “for the love of everything, it’s 3 A.M” means, but I’m sure glad I have a sleeve to finally wipe all that snot on.  No Mommy, don’t go.  I want a song.  No, not that song.  Hmmm maybe a story would be a better idea.  Where you going Mom?  Don’t worry I’ll scream cry for you again shortly.  Maybe I’ll let you settle down first and then call for you.  You seem to bolt out of bed faster that way.

Good Morning!  Yes, get these urine soaked pj’s off me already.  Ha ha try and catch me to put those clothes on!  Remember if you try and put me in jeans or a shirt with buttons you will be dead to me.  Thanks in advance for continuing to dress me like a homeless person.  I will scream for sweatpants that are neither too lose nor too tight, but those preferences will change daily.  Thanks for understanding. Continue reading “Day in the Life of Your Toddler”

The Not So Silent Struggle

I wasn’t going to write anything about today.  I usually say something as a means to help support mental health initiatives and to be a voice when so many feel shame and the need to be silenced.  But, honestly, today I feel shame and the need to be silent.  I feel nervous.  I feel like I could be doing more damage to myself than I want to.  It’s hard to be vulnerable and candid when everything around you seem to be crumbling.  I just want to pretend like it doesn’t exist.  I want to go on as if it’s business as usual and that I am not feeling the way that I am.  But if there is anything that I am it’s outspoken, and somehow, I just have to say something.  Someone out there might feel the exact same way.  And when you know what it feels like to have people not understand you, this could be a glimmer of hope for someone.  So, I continue.  I talk.  Because I have to. Continue reading “The Not So Silent Struggle”

My New Years “Non-Resolutions”

New Years “Non- Resolutions”

I hate New Years.  I always have.  When I was younger it was the pressure to have “the most fun ever”, which often turned into god awful evenings.  I’d overdrink, pass out in a bathroom, and miss the actual countdown.  I even spent one countdown in a porta potty where I counted down the time with the stranger in the next one.  Classy.

Now that I am old and boring, New Years has become about buying new workout DVD’s and re-adding My Fitness Pal back onto my phone.  The actual evening is spent deciding whether or not it is even worth it to stay up until midnight.  Then there’s those resolutions.  They are always the same.  Lose weight, have more “me time”, cut out processed foods, refined sugar, wheat, carbs, dairy, recalled hummus products, blah, blah, blah.  Nope not doing it.  Don’t care.  I’m going to make the “non- resolution” list and really commit to seeing it through.  2017-Dare to Dream (which is a much better title than the famous 2008-It’s not too late…to get your life together). Continue reading “My New Years “Non-Resolutions””

Top 15 Things I Could Be An Expert On

1)      How to make my kids do the ugly cry by asking them to put on pants.

2)      Cooking meals for people who want whatever we ran out of yesterday.

3)      Losing and gaining the same 20 pounds.

4)      Watching HGTV, which now qualifies me as a realtor, home improvement expert, and structural engineer.  Don’t even get me started on talking about open floor plans and granite countertops.

5)      The entire menu at Boston Pizza (kid’s menu and fishbowl combinations included).  I even have a great idea for a kid’s appetizer platter, which would include ½ piece of pizza, 1 bite of grilled cheese, 1 chicken finger with the breading already taken off and discarded on the floor to be eaten later, 19 hotdogs, and 1 bite of every adult entrée.

6)      How to look for minuscule Lego pieces that have disappeared (naturally) and life cannot possibly go on without them.

7)      How to make mountains out of molehills.

8)      Playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with a 4-year-old that cheats, and a 2-year-old that eats the pieces.

9)      Sudoko. The original brain workout from Japan is the only friend I have at work.

10)   The entire contents of Superstore, where to find every single item, and the absolute best and worst times to go there based on fresh produce and my intolerance for people who block the aisle debating over different kinds of mustard.

11)   How to clean diarrhea out of a bathtub and safely clean all bath toys (by putting them directly in the garbage).

12)   How to sell ANYTHING on Varage Sale.  I mean someone drove to my house to buy a lint roller.

13)   BEDMAS.  I teach math, so I swear I go over this daily.  I am considering getting it as a tattoo.

14)   Naming my children’s stuffed animals.  Both my kids sleep with like 30 stuffies and obviously, it is my job to name them because I have to do EVERYTHING.  Some are easy because they come with names (Elmo, Cookie Monster, Pooh Bear), but then those generic ones which I’ve named Ted (a teddy bear), Lamby (a lamb), Blue Guy (a blue bear), Froggie (a duck…just jokes he’s a frog), you get the idea.  This is otherwise known as not giving a shit.

15)   The proper way to take the dishes from the sink (which shouldn’t have been there to begin with, but whatevs) and load them in the dishwasher and then explain to my husband about how this is a job literally EVERYONE can do despite age, gender, or general laziness.

 

3 Day Potty Training Does Not Exist

The hardest part of parenting…potty training.  Well probably not.  I’m sure making sure your kids don’t do drugs and that they are happy and making good choices when they are teenagers is probably a lot harder.  But in my life, right now, it is potty training.  Although this is my second kick at the can (well technically third since we tried potty training this past summer with #2 to a complete disaster) my feelings towards it have changed.  I have two boys, born almost exactly two years apart, but their potty-training adventures were vastly different.  Of course, I know that “each child is different” (yeah yeah don’t care “child rearing expert mom”) and it would be unfair for me to compare, but I am.  Not in the way my boys took to potty training, but more in the way I approached it.  This right here is why birth order matters.  Things are always different the second (or third of fourth) time around.  This is why siblings with the same parents and same home environment growing up can have very different experiences in the way they see their childhood.  I know my boys will reflect on their childhood much in the same way because of the differences on how I approach them and their different “milestones”.  Although there have been and will continue to be many differences between how I have treated my boys (breast feeding, moving to a big boy bed, bedtime, the list goes on) for now potty training will be the comparison point of documentation when my boys want to later argue how they are so hard done by. Continue reading “3 Day Potty Training Does Not Exist”

Are you a Boy Mom?

I don’t have daughters.  But I am a daughter and I have a sister and never once have I sat on my sister’s head to cut off all her air supply “just because”.  Not having girls obviously means I see things through a boy, pee everywhere, trucks thrown across the room, perspective.  I am sure parents of only girls will tell you that their little ones can cry, scream, and hit like the rest of ‘em.  But us mommas with only boys know that you will never understand the busyness, the aggressive nature, and the immaturity that comes with boys.  While I suppose there are always exceptions, I see girls who sit quietly doing puzzles, play with dolls (and really play, not just dismembering and killing them), have the vocabulary of a grown adult by 18 months, and are potty trained practically at birth.

My boys never sit quietly.  Ever.  Even watching TV they have their hands down their pants or they are doing ninja moves off the couch.  Both my boys remained mute or used caveman grunts well past age 2.  As for potty training?  Let’s just say that my boys could be spokesmen for Pampers and how much they love them.  I mean maybe if I went back to cloth diapers with the pin in your abdomen they would be more inclined to be trained.  Well at least I have a new idea to try.  I am prepared to finally have my youngest potty trained at an uncomfortably old age (the day preschool starts). Continue reading “Are you a Boy Mom?”

Parenting Fantasy Vs. Reality

Everyone knows that the best parents out there are those who have no children.  I was an amazing mom before I had kids.  I was going to do this, that, and the other thing, but nothing makes you abandon that shit faster then when you are up all night with a sick baby or come home from work exhausted.  The last thing you want to do is be a parent, so you let Mickey Mouse take over.  You feed your kids Spaghetti O’s for the 5th night in a row because you just can’t deal with the fight (oh you are well past being surprised at the part where you actually bought a case of Spaghetti O’s in the first place).  Imagine my surprise when I realized that having kids is absolutely NOTHING like the fantasy I had in my head.  Some parts might have a glimmer of that dream I envisioned like when my 2-year-old tells me he loves me in his sweet little voice and melts my heart.  Or when my 4-year-old says laugh out loud, hilarious things and I think how wonderful it is that I successfully cloned myself.

However, my fantasy of parenthood was shattered when my 1st son was born.  Immediately.  Having felt like I’d been hit by a truck and then thrust into never sleeping again can make a person come back to reality fairly quickly.  However, I still have those fantasy visions or viewpoints as each stage moves along, but sometimes I wonder how I could have ever been so naïve.  I mean shit, what twenty something, not a care in the world girl, wouldn’t dream about the adorable little cherubs I would have one day.  They would dress like Gap models and spend countless hours playing house in the basement while I had coffee dates with my friends.  Instead, my kids look like extras from “Oliver” and they have played by themselves exactly ZERO times in the basement while I drink my luke warm, borderline cold coffee, alone.  Not exactly how I thought this would go.  Sometimes the fantasy is a lot more fun to believe, but for those of us on reality island the difference may look a little something like this: Continue reading “Parenting Fantasy Vs. Reality”

What Every Toddler Needs to Know

It seems to me that all toddlers are exactly the same. I didn’t come up with the phrase “Terrible Two’s”, but whoever did probably also had a shitty 2-year-old (or 3 or 4-year-old for that matter). I understand WHY the toddler years are so challenging (so thanks for that every child rearing book every written), but I like to think that somewhere a delightful 2-year-old created a “manifesto”. A handbook of sorts to pass onto his/her little buddies at the playground. I do believe it would go something like this:

1)Have a tantrum in every store that you enter. This will ensure that she buys you the good cookies and will bring snacks everywhere you go just to keep you quiet. Winning.

2)Wake up at an ungodly hour every morning.  Mornings are the best time to cry for milk and get placed in front of the television.

3)Refuse all articles of clothing except pajamas.

4)Fall in love with every character from every Disney Junior show and have a collection of stuffies that MUST accompany you EVERYWHERE.  Obviously you need to have a posse and don’t let your mommy convince you that she is it.

5)Spend most meals only eating from everyone else’s plates.

6)Sometimes you need to keep things interesting. A good way to do this is by telling your mommy that you LOVE carrots. She will be delighted. The next day, when she makes every meal with carrots as the focal point, tell her you now hate carrots and throw them on the floor.

7)Take as many markers as you can find and make a nice mural for your mommy where she can always look at it.  On the wall, in the kitchen, next to her favourite place, the sink full of dishes.

8)Napping in the car for 12 minutes is as good as sleeping 2 hours in your bed. If your mommy tells you otherwise she is LYING TO YOU.

9)Beg for food during all hours that aren’t meal times, and then don’t eat it. Unless it’s Bear Paws. Always eat Bear Paws.

10)Try running a race against your mommy down the middle of the street to see who gets tired first.  Spoiler alert:  It will never be you.

11)Blurt out random words and have your mommy try and figure out what you want.  Like a fun game of charades, but mostly with stomping feet and yelling no.

12)Forget how to walk down the stairs and beg to be carried everywhere.

13)Stop going pee pee on the potty and just start going wherever you feel like it.  Seems easier.

14)When strangers or “friends of mommy” start talking to you in the grocery store and ask you your name or how old you are, DO NOT ANSWER.  It’s a trap.  Try picking your nose instead or throw some groceries out of the cart.

15)Imagine what your life would be like to be within an arm’s reach of your mommy at all times. #AMAZING. Next, think up a plan to make sure this happens. You have to do this yourself. I don’t know what your journey is all about. You’ll know it’s working when she says things like, “It’s just easier if I take him with me” or “I might as well just let her sleep in the bed with us.” Her weakness=your satisfaction. You’re welcome.

16) Make your mommy super crazy all day and then place your chubby arms around her, tell her she’s pretty, and that you love her.  Then make her sing the entire library of Raffi songs to you while she cradles you in her arms.  Bliss

Follow these simple tips for a wonderful life, friends. Now that sand in your sandbox isn’t going to eat itself.  Have a great day.